Abe Kass
Personal
Why do bad things happen to good people? At first glance, this question seems reasonable and often we think this about ourselves. If I am such a nice person why is my spouse frequently angry at me? If I am such a good parent, why is my teenage son so rude and disobedient?
The way we describe a particular situation reveals how we think about it. The question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” depicts a dysfunctional way of thinking about a personal or family problem because it precludes a useful answer. That is what makes it a bad question. If a person starts out by thinking that they are perfect and without responsibility, i.e. a “good person,” there is little likelihood that they will search for how their behavior has helped to create a particular problem.
A better way of asking the question is, “Why is this happening to me?” Then you can proceed with all the powers of your concentration, combined with as much humility as you can muster up, to listen to the answer.
If we are honest and listen carefully to those people involved in the particular “problem” situation, we can usually find an explanation for how we contributed, whether in large or small measure, to the present unpleasant circumstance. The key to changing the situation is by knowing our part in it and then changing our behavior in order to then change the situation.
A husband asked his wife why she seemed to always be angry with him. She told him that he frequently treated her harshly and she felt “bulldozed” over.
A father asked his son why he was rude and disobedient. He explained that he was constantly being nagged for every little thing and felt unaccepted for who he was. In order to feel like he was his own person, he had to resist his parents.
A wife asked her husband why he works late every night. He told her that he was frightened by her “moods swings” and was trying to avoid her.
A mother asked her five-year-old daughter why she continually tried to avoid doing homework. The little girl said she felt stupid. Mom asked her what made her feel that way. The girl explained because she was the “slowest” reader in the class.
By asking the right question, you can get the right answer. Then, and only then, can your take the appropriate action.
However, for many people, asking the right question is not as difficult as listening to the answer. Sometimes listening is the most difficult of all interpersonal skills. The primary reason is that we love to make “points,” i.e., express an opinion rather than listening to what other people think and feel. Many people feel entitled to do this without any limitations. However, making a point precludes listening. Making a point is adversarial and competitive and not very conducive to peace and harmony between people. Examples of making a “point” are:
- She said she likes red. He made a point saying, he likes blue.
- He said Mark is a nice guy. She made a point saying, she doesn’t like Mark.
Worse than making points are direct or indirect criticism. For example:
- “Why do you always talk on the phone during dinner time?”
- “I think you are being too lenient with the kids.”
- “Why can’t you get more organized?”
- “I understand politics better than you do.”
When “points” and “criticism” are eliminated from conversations- then honest listening can occur. When “listening” happens, a person is able to access new information and then, if they want, change their attitude or behavior. When the wife hears that her husband stays away from home to avoid her wrath and when the husband hears that his wife is angry because he uses rude language, they both have a new perspective on the situation, which leads to the opportunity to change and dramatically improve the relationship.
Holding back from making a point or having an opinion is very difficult, but it is a necessary prerequisite to listening. The ability to not make a point is a sign of strength, not weakness, as so many people mistakenly think. People who are weak and insecure are constantly trying to convince others they are right. Confident and secure individuals know where they stand and can comfortably listen to others and their opinions. It is important to develop the strength to hold back that initial impulse to make a point, and instead continue to listen. The results will benefit everyone, and some major relationship problems will be easily solved.
