First, we must set our goals. In order to make our educational goals more real and powerful it is useful to consider them in as much detail as possible. For example, if we want our daughter to be an adult with exemplary character traits it is helpful to consider what it will look like each step of the way as she is growing-up. We may decide that at four she should say “please and thank you,” at six she should be generous in sharing her toys and at eight she should call her friends on the phone when they are sick and wish them a “speedy recovery.”

When deciding on goals for our children, it is essential that we take into consideration both the child and other family members. Goals must be fair, respectful and just. If we want our son to be a scholar, it cannot be at the expense of denying him his need to play and relax. Likewise, it is not just to concentrate on one child at the expense of the others.

In 1953, scientists wanted to study the impact of goal setting. They interviewed the graduating class of Harvard University. They discovered that less than 3% had clear-cut goals set for themselves. Twenty years later these researchers interviewed these same people. What they found was that the same 3% that had definite goals in 1953 appeared, in 1973, better adjusted emotionally, socially, and with their families. In addition, this 3% had more financial clout than the combined net worth of the rest of their classmates. The value of goal setting is obvious.

Once we know what our goals are, it is necessary to implement them. This requires “motivation.” The way to increase one’s motivation, passion, and dedication is by understanding why particular goals are important. This is important for both parents and children.

Consistently considering and evaluating our goals and how to implement them will help us successfully accomplish our education plans.

The actual “techniques,” the “how to” of implementing our goals varies greatly from child to child and family to family. The media proliferates an abundance of parenting tips and “how to’s.” Serious parents can become overly cautious and confused by the many points of view and are thereby unable to assume the necessary responsibility for effective parenting. However, there are no cook-book type rules or pat answers. What is essential is that parents take charge of their household – that they be the captains of their ship. Otherwise the children themselves may fill the void and the results will be disastrous. They may grow up arrogant and without values, and thereby preclude the acquisition of good academic and character traits. Certainly, the educational goals set out by the parents will never be achieved. When parents set the tone and structure of family life, children will respond with humility and respect as well as love and closeness. Taking charge is more critical than whether parents are pedagogically 100% or only 96% correct.

Whatever your plan, it is important that you “sell” the idea to your children. They don’t have to agree on the final destination, but they have to enjoy getting there. Encourage them and positively acknowledge their accomplishments with rewards and praise. This is the best way.

Successful team parenting requires that members of the team respect and appreciate each other. Every person is absolutely unique, no two people have the exact same talents. These differences must be for a good purpose, and that purpose is to complement each other.

As parents, realizing that you are a perfect match, the challenge is to act upon this awareness in daily life. One way to help accomplish this is to commit yourself to the belief that each partner complements and enhances the other. If a father exhibits more leadership, direction and limit setting, let him be in charge of getting the kids to clean their rooms and go to bed on time. If the mother is more patient, nurturing, and understanding, let her comfort and encourage the children. If it turns out that the father is more nurturing, let him be the comforter. It doesn’t matter who does what, only that you utilize all your resources and apply them directly towards accomplishing your developmental/educational goals.

Doing what each does best is not an excuse for a parent to artificially limit himself or herself. Sometimes doing that which is difficult is often just the right prescription for personal and marital growth. The point is to appreciate the differences between husband and wife, father and mother, male and female, and to utilize these differences for the benefit of the entire family, not to use them as ammunition to wage war via criticism, shaming, etc.

It is important for husband and wife to be friends. If they are going to work well together as a team, they must enjoy each other’s company. Sharing life together is one of the best ways to help foster friendship. Make sure a high percentage of your activities together are pleasurable. This will encourage positive feelings and optimism about the future. Holiday meals, trips, etc., are perfect for husbands to spend quality time together with the family. A small “generation gap” between parents and children is healthy. Husbands and wives need some life together separate from the kids. Find time in your busy schedule to do things and go places together as a couple. Just be friends.

Working together requires consistent cooperation. If you and your spouse have agreed that bed time for the children is 8:30, then you both must stick to this agreement. Consistent application of agreed upon rules are needed to ensure lasting results.

Sometimes it happens that your spouse makes a spontaneous decision or interaction with the children. You may not agree with the way things were done. However, considering your overall goals of working together cooperatively, it is best to hold your tongue for the moment. Having a fight in front of the kids benefits no one. Later, if you decide it will be helpful to mention your differing view, you should carefully. Select a later time and place to discuss it. It is very important to keep in mind your final goal and not get lost over a minor issue. Again, appreciate your differences and the fact that you are both trying very hard, often under adverse and stressful circumstances.

Every team occasionally encounters difficulties. One way to get past the rough spots is to arrange formal meetings to plan, suggest, and give and receive feedback. Discuss with your partner when would be a comfortable time to discuss what has happened and what you would like to happen in the future. When having a formal meeting it is necessary that both of you are relaxed, in the right mood, and will not be disturbed by interruptions.

When it comes to child rearing, many professional family counselors agree that the best single thing you can do for your children is to “love your spouse,” i.e., love the mother or father of your children.

A husband brings his wife a thoughtful birthday gift. After opening the box she begins to cry. The startled husband says to his wife, “I thought you wanted a new toaster!” She replies, “yes, but not for my birthday!” She bought him a beautiful designer tie because she loves clothes. He doesn’t like clothing. For him, dressing is just a chore, especially formal attire. She was hurt that he didn’t appreciate her gift. He bought her an exercise bike because he knows being overweight is unhealthy and that her weight bothers her. She is insulted that he is calling attention to her weight and she may even conclude that he is bothered by her appearance and is being critical of her. She always makes it a point to ask him detailed questions about his day at work. She very much appreciates it when he asks her. However, he gets irritated when she asks. He just wants to forget about work when he comes home, and feels by asking, she is being insensitive. The lesson to be learned from all this is- Successful giving is measured not by the giver, but by the receiver. It is the receiver that has to be happy about the gift, not the giver.

People have what I call “love buttons.” These are particular acts that make a person feel good. Everyone has different triggers. Triggers could be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic, etc. If you want to be a successful giver, make sure you push one or more of your partner’s “love buttons.” Pushing a “love button” makes your partner feel appreciated, understood and cared for. One person may feel appreciated, understood, and cared for if they are taken to a pleasant place like a park (visual trigger), another person receiving a tangible gift (kinesthetic trigger), another person smelling the aroma of exotic perfume (olfactory trigger) and another person giving them the gift of carefully listening to them talk and speaking kindly (auditory trigger). It is important to learn what your partner really wants, that is, what are their “love buttons .”

Some couples find themselves in a cycle of negative behaviour. They are both angry, blaming and resentful towards the other. These hostile feelings can, unfortunately, become chronic, lasting many years. This then becomes the “big test” of giving because the person doesn’t have a natural feeling to do so. No other person has as great an opportunity and responsibility to perform selfless cheerful giving with your spouse as you do. How one treats their spouse not only may make the difference as to whether the relationship succeeds or fails, but also underlines the basic success or failure of one’s personal life.

In these times there are many destructive forces that are alienating people from each other and breaking-up families. Now, we have to work harder and smarter. The most potent immunization medicine for safeguarding a healthy and satisfying relationship is selfless cheerful giving.

The more a husband and wife live by this value the healthier and more satisfying their relationship will be. If there are children in the home, they too will also directly benefit by the peace and harmony that will be found in the home.

Sit with your partner. Take a pen and paper and write at the top, “I feel appreciated and cared for when you . . . ” List those actions your partner can take that make you feel appreciated and cared for and then exchange the lists. Try to do at least one item each day as a gift to your partner.

Love is something not discussed in graduate classes or written about in professional books. It is confusing to almost everyone. In these times of sensual gratification, we often think of love as passion.

Confusing love with passion is easy. A man feels “loving and loved” when he is physically intimate with his partner. A woman feels “loving and loved” when she is emotionally close with her partner.

During the courtship and early stage of marriage, feeling “loving and loved” is easy, since both male and female types of intimacy occur frequently. Youth and the absence of children are a great asset to an active intimate life. If these youthful experiences are called love, these pining and passionate feelings, it is no wonder that so many mature couples feel out-of-love. Especially when they compare their present experiences to the experiences early on in their relationship.

Passionate highs are a more accurate description of these early relationship experiences. This kind of passion has an important place in marriage. However, it also has its limitations. If a relationship is based primarily on “passion,” what happens when passions wane – as they always will? What happens when partners age and don’t look as attractive and are not as active as they were in their early years?

If love is not passion, then what is true love? What can sustain a relationship through the winters of life?

The answer, to use an old-fashioned word, is “commitment.” Commitment is a spiritual awareness and feeling that supersedes any physical or emotional limitations. It is a selfless love not based on sensual pleasure. The question of, “what do I get out of it?” is not asked. It is a love that is so powerful that no matter what happens, there will always be dedication and loyalty. Commitment, for better or for worse, is an expression of a higher love than passion.

Caring behaviors certainly make us feel good and are extremely important to a marriage, but they are not the expression of commitment. We “feel loved” when people give us good food, attention, intimacy, or gifts. It makes us feel good and satisfies our ego and strengthens our self-esteem. A higher love is when we stick with our partner even when we momentarily don’t get these things.

Many marriages are not based on this type of selfless love. That is why many couples end in divorce and tragedy.

Mary was extremely insecure. She had been physically abused and emotionally abandoned as a child. She was hypersensitive to any act that her husband Ryan did that seemed to her to create distance. For example, if he drank a single beer, she felt abandoned, like he had gone to another world – he was “high” and she was not. Mary would then unleash a vicious verbal attack. Ryan would counterattack by swearing and name calling and then immediately emotionally withdraw. Mary would quickly get over it but Ryan would pout for days. This made Mary even more insecure and she would intermittently attack all over again. This pattern consumed three quarters of their days together. They were ready to end their marriage. They could not attend marriage counseling sessions together because of the “volatile” nature of their relationship.

Ryan saw me alone. I pointed out that if he would only reassure Mary of his commitment to her, she would feel much more secure and would not attack. By doing this, they could short-circuit this battle pattern. I told him to simply give her some flowers and a note that he loved her. He could not, saying “I don’t feel like it, I am angry with her, I can’t do it.”

Ryan was a very successful salesman. We spent time talking about how he influenced people to make a sale, even when he did not like the customer or he felt like being somewhere else. After several sessions, he got up the resolve to go beyond his personal feelings, send her a gift and reassure her verbally of his love and commitment. Finally, he did it. Daily, he continued this selfless behavior. After several weeks they were a new couple. The vicious fights had virtually disappeared.

Ryan learned that by focusing on his commitment to Mary, above his personal feelings, he was able to turn around their relationship experience.

By prioritizing one’s relationship, being selflessly committed, many couples can enrich their marriage far more than by emphasizing personal gratification. Then, personal gratification, within the context of commitment and security, will be a much more rewarding and deeply felt experience.

Why is the experience of being heard so important? Because being heard is the experience of being validated. Being heard is being respected. Being heard is being empowered.

Being an effective listener is so difficult that there is a tremendous scarcity of competent people who can do it. And this is unfortunately why many people are confronted with the choice of becoming depressed or going to a professional. A responsible professional will look for opportunities to empower, teach, and encourage their client and the client’s family to learn how to listen to each other. This is the best solution.

There are two exercises that I frequently do with couples who come to me for marriage counseling. One is called “mirror listening” ( or active listening) and the other “intentional dialogue.” “Intentional dialogue” is an enhancement of “mirror listening.” These two skills, mastered and used when appropriate, are the tools of a good listener. Many people can benefit from doing these exercises at home, so I will now give you the basic instructions. Even though they are taught and practiced in an artificial and formal way, ultimately they can be used as an integral part of casual day-to-day conversation.

MIRROR LISTENING

1. Together with your partner select one person to begin as a message sender. When first leaning how to do this, the message sender should talk about neutral and simple subjects. The sender should begin a statement with “I” and talk only about himself/herself. The statements should be short and brief. For example, “I am really tired of all the rain we have been getting. I really look forward to some sunny days.”
2. The listener, after having heard the massage, attempts to repeat in his or her own words what they heard. The listener is not to agree, disagree, explain, or make any personal contribution to the statement that was heard. Just like a mirror that adds nothing to a reflection, the message should be accurately returned. For example, the listener responds, “What I heard you say was… Is that it?” The message sender simply acknowledges that the message was returned accurately, or if not, repeats it until it comes back as acceptable.
3. After about five or ten minutes, switch roles. As you get good at this, you can begin to tackle more delicate and sensitive issues.

INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE

1. After having mastered “mirror listening,” try this. After the message sender has completed a topic of concern the listener can make the following statement, “After hearing what you have said it makes sense.” This is validating your partner, not necessarily agreeing. With this statement you are respecting your partners right to have their own beliefs and feelings.
2. Next the listener can say, “After having heard all this, I imagine you must be feeling…” The listener guesses what the sender is feeling. Then the listener says, “Is that right?” The message sender either agrees or tells the listener what he or she is feeling.

Using these simple techniques can make all the difference in the world. At times, people just need to be heard. In my experience, both men and women desperately want their partners to understand them better. But men, when hearing what their wives are frustrated about, want to try and solve the problem, to fix it. This is how men are socialized, to fix things. On the other hand, even though their husbands mean well, their wives frequently just want to be heard, and that is the final solution.

When a person feels they are understood, they feel important, respected and loved. In turn, they respect and at times even love the one that is making the effort to listen and understand.

The feelings a husband and wife have toward each other directly impacts on the way they cooperate, parent, speak, and create a home atmosphere. When emotional closeness is lacking, it can be caused simply by a failure to understand each other’s needs. The following true story illustrates how improved communication alone, brought one couple emotionally closer.

Larry and Sue made an appointment with me for marriage counseling. As I led them into my office Larry straightened his tie and helped Sue take off her coat. Sue, an attractive woman in her late twenties, nervously tugged on her pearl necklace. After brief introductions and small talk she began:

“Abe, I called you because I don’t know if I can continue living with Larry. Whenever we have a problem, instead of talking it through, Larry walks out. The problem is never solved and I question his commitment.”

Larry, his voice shaking with emotion, responds: “I love Sue and I am very afraid to lose her, but her temper drives me away. When she gets upset, she raises her voice, shouts insults at me, and more than once, has thrown things around the house. Sometimes this happens even in front of the kids. I feel so humiliated.”

I check with Sue to see if she agrees with the facts as Larry presented them. She does. I then ask her to describe in detail what happens when she is furious with Larry. Next, I ask her to experience it, move into that feeling here in my office. Her voice raises with rage as she accuses Larry of ignoring her, not being there for her. Shortly, Sue breaks into tears and I hand her a tissue. I ask her what she is feeling behind all that anger. Shaking she answers:

“I feel alone. Like no one cares. Like when I was a kid and my parents punished me by sending me to my room.”

“What is it, Sue, that you need most of all when you feel like that?” I ask.

“Reassurance, comforting words, closeness.” I turned to Larry and asked him, “Can you comfort your wife now? Can you be there with her when she needs you? Can you talk to her now?”

Moving his chair toward Sue he responds:

“Sue, I never knew you wanted my support. I always thought you wanted me to get lost when you were angry. From now on…”

In this session, Larry and Sue learned something very important. Sometimes our actions don’t accurately reflect our true feelings. They can even betray our real needs. When Larry understood the true meaning behind Sue’s outbursts, i.e., that she really needed comforting, he was able to respond to her in a new and more helpful way.

Instead of walking out and aggravating the situation, he now chose to move closer to her. When Sue experienced Larry’s sincerity in trying to comfort and support her, she realized she had also misread the situation. Larry’s “walking-out” was because he thought she wanted him to “get out,” not because he wasn’t committed or wanted to avoid her. In these few minutes, both Larry and Sue took a giant leap forward toward a more meaningful and satisfying marital relationship. What they really learned was to “check out” each other’s inner thoughts and feelings rather than make assumptions and come to incorrect conclusions and actions. Assumptions about what your partner is thinking or wanting usually creates negative emotions and divisiveness.

Take some time, informal or scheduled, and ask your partner to take a minute or two to reflect and communicate what is behind a negative emotion. Do the same for yourself. You might learn something very surprising and valuable for your marriage, and demonstrate that you care.

Hello, my name is Sue Blumenstein. I would like to share with you my experience with marriage counseling. Ralph and I have had a very rocky marital relationship for years. If you are married, I hope you have had more peace and harmony than I have had. If you haven’t, I want you to know there is help available. Here is my story of how Ralph and I saved our family.

We have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. A two-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl. Throughout our marriage, we have had many communication difficulties. We have both felt frustrated and angry. After the birth of our first daughter things seemed to go from bad to worse. Our intimate life was one of the casualties.

We tried to work things out, but it seemed the harder we tried the worse it got. My insistence on “talking it out” created such tension that finally my husband, Ralph, stopped talking to me completely. After about three days of the “silent treatment” I knew our marriage was in deep trouble. The “D” word kept creeping into my consciousness. I felt so out of control and insecure. Was this the way it started for the many unfortunate couples that ended up divorced? Was this the final scene before the calamity that left thousands of innocent children without the blessings and stability of two loving parents under one roof? Would this happen to our children? I knew we needed to get some help. When I suggested to Ralph that we go for marriage counseling, he responded by saying that I should go myself since according to him, “I was the problem.”

Even though Ralph said he was unwilling to go, I made the call to the counselor anyway. I felt desperate and had to do something.

I first met Abe, the marriage counselor, on the phone. He had been recommended to me by a close friend who had seen Abe last year for a few months because of a depression she had been experiencing. Abe seemed very patient and understanding. When I told him of Ralph’s refusal to go with me, Abe suggest, that I ask Ralph to come as a “consultant” so everyone could benefit from his viewpoint. If he still wouldn’t come, Abe suggested that I come alone. To my surprise, Ralph agreed to come, “to help me with my problem.” Of course I didn’t agree with his assessment, but at least he was coming. Something was happening. In fact, now that we had an appointment, things seemed to already begin to get better. It was as if we were both on our best behavior as a way of looking good for the counselor.

Finally the day had arrived, as I sat with Ralph in the waiting room of Abe’s office, I was very self-conscious and felt awkward. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that what really matters is not my momentary feelings, but the future of my family. I can’t take any more the daily tension between me and Ralph, the constant bickering, the silence, the “cold war.” Even the kids are looking sad and worried. There is just no way I can allow this to go on. Something must change. If my arm were broken I would go to the doctor. If my family is “broken,” I must also go for help. How could I ignore this problem and just allow everyone to suffer! It’s especially not fair to the kids.

Abe greeted us in the waiting room and invited us to follow him. The three of us sat facing each other. I was so tense that it was even hard to get the words out of my mouth when Abe asked for our home address. Abe sensed my discomfort and told us that it was normal to feel nervous at the beginning. Ralph just sat there like a stone.

Abe asked each of us to give an “unedited” version of what is going on and how we thought he might help. When Ralph tried to correct a point I was making, Abe asked him to “hold on” until his turn, and insisted on an “unedited” version. For the first time we both took turns talking without interrupting and disputing each other. If that wasn’t bizarre enough, Abe asked us to summarize what we had heard our partner saying. For the first time in years I actually felt that Ralph had listened to me. I sighed a breath of relief and hope.

After a while, we began to talk more casually about our problems, our hurt, and our fears. Somehow Abe made us feel safe. Ralph forgot about his “consultant” role and for the first time I heard him talk about his feelings. This “stone” really did have a heart inside!

Abe explained to us the process of therapy. He told us that for most couples it would take at least several months to be able to institute and maintain concrete changes in our attitudes and behavior. In his words, he was “immunizing” us against looking for instant cures.

Abe ended the session by asking us to demonstrate our commitment to improving our marital relationship by performing a simple task. He asked each of us to list two or three small things that if our partner could do it, it would make each of us feel better. “Number one,” I said, “if Ralph wouldn’t argue anymore…”. Abe explained that if such big changes could be made so easily we probably didn’t need to come for marriage counseling. He asked again for two or three “small things.” Thinking it over I responded, “Call me if you are coming home late from work, and each day say good morning and good night.” Abe encouraged Ralph to pick one and give it to me as a gift, i.e., no strings attached. To my surprise and amazement, Ralph volunteered to do both of my requests. When it was Ralph’s turn he responded, “Don’t ask him questions about his stressful job and two, go with him once a week out to eat.” He seemed amazed that I agreed to his requests.

Abe said he was very impressed with our ability to co-operate and our commitment to help ourselves and our family.

We scheduled a second appointment.

Our appointment seemed to take only fifteen minutes, even though my watch said about an hour. I looked at Ralph. He seemed relieved. Finally we did it. We got help. Deep in my heart I hoped my first impressions were right. Finally we found a person that could really help us. Life is too valuable to destroy in strife. I want to live in peace and harmony and I want to give this blessing to my children.

After our first session with Abe, I felt much better. We left his office with a plan. Ralph had agreed to say good morning and good night and to call me if he was coming home late in the evenings. I had agreed to ask him about his stressful job and go on a date with him once a week. On the way home we set a time to go on our date.

The following morning Ralph greeted me with a “good morning.” When he came home that evening I tried not to talk to him about his work, but he still seemed irritable and defensive. When I suggested he was taking his problems “too seriously”, he raised his voice and said that I didn’t understand. He left the room and went to read the paper. I felt alone and frustrated again. The next evening we went out on our date. This was a change for us. I think agreeing to work on our relationship made a deep impression on both of us. I really enjoyed our “date”. It felt like courting again. At the restaurant Ralph helped me take my coat off. He seemed more sensitive and caring. We then went for a short walk afterwards. Ralph told me how happy he was to be able to do something fun together.

At the next appointment with Abe, I told him things were already much better. “At least,” I said, ” we didn’t have any major “blow-ups.” I also reported that every time I tried to talk seriously with Ralph he would walk away. I told Abe that Ralph called only once when he was coming home late, but on several other occasions he did not.

Abe said that for right now, he was interested in what was good about the week and what we did to make it good. Abe emphasized that sometimes the best way to get rid of darkness it to bring in a little light. He suggested by focusing more on was is right about our relationship, and by trying to increase that which was right, we could make some major improvements.

Later, Abe asked Ralph what had happened when I tried to talk to him about his work. He said that I never understood him and that he was tired of me telling him what to do. We started to argue right there in Abe’s office, just like we did at home. Abe let us go on for a while and then he suggested we try talking differently with each other. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what he was talking about. He said if we agreed he would help teach us a “listening exercise.”

Abe instructed us to turn our chairs toward each other so we could get some eye contact. He then asked Ralph to tell me about his work. Abe then told me to periodically, in my own words, summarize what Ralph had been saying. He cautioned me not to agree, disagree, modify, or change in any way the meaning of Ralph’s words. Ralph began speaking. He told me how his partner was taking advantage of him. I told Ralph not to be such a push-over and that he should stand up to his partner. Abe quickly interrupted and reminded me not to change what Ralph was saying. Only to repeat it. With difficulty I did so. After a while, I began to notice some important differences. Ralph was opening up in a way he had never done before. He wasn’t cutting me out of his life. More incredible, we were not even arguing. Abe told us this skill, although seeming stiff and artificial at first, could be integrated into the way we talk at home . Our second session was over.

At our third session, I told Abe how things were much better. Ralph enthusiastically agreed. He said he actually was feeling comfortable talking to me about things that were important to him. I was beginning to feel that I mattered to Ralph and was an important part of his life again. Since we were not fighting, we spent more time just talking and listening. We even went on another date together and just had fun! We did more of the “listening exercise.” This time it was Ralph’s turn to let me know he was listening by repeating my words.

Abe said that based on what he had heard and what he had seen in the office that it seemed to him that Ralph’s learned strategy for dealing with problems was to “walk away.” I agreed completely. Ralph, though begrudgingly, agreed as well. Abe asked Ralph when he could first remember “walking away” when there was a problem. After some encouragement and coaching by Abe, Ralph began to talk about his experiences as a young child. He described how his parents continually bickered and shouted at each other. He told how he would go to his bedroom so he wouldn’t have to listen. Abe suggested that this is one reason why Ralph leaves when voices are raised. He has learned to walk away when there are problems. Abe also suggested that Ralph is probably, and rightfully so, very sensitive to arguments, that they trigger a strong reaction in him. I asked if that is why Ralph runs away every time I express strong emotion? Abe instructed me to ask Ralph. Ralph began to describe his childhood pain and how uncomfortable he gets when we argue. He explained that’s why at times he refuses to talk to me, “so there won’t be an argument.” Abe said that now that we have connected Ralph’s walking away with early childhood experiences, he can from now on remind himself that he is no longer in his childhood home, where he was powerless to change things, and that he can now begin to hang in there when strong emotions are being expressed. At the same time, Abe added, that I should be aware of how strong emotions and shouting can affect Ralph and try to increase my efforts to speak calmly.

This session seemed to be a break through for us. We discovered that there were understandable reasons for why we behave the way we do. Ralph was not trying to reject me when he wouldn’t talk. He was only trying to cope with a very painful situation in the only way he knew how. I wondered how many other things we both do that can be explained like this! In a way I felt liberated.

We continued to work weekly with Abe for several more months. We then made our appointments every other week. And finally, we all agreed, we had graduated. So here we are today. We still have our difficulties, our ups and downs, but they no longer devastate us. In counseling, we learned how to put water on a fire instead of gasoline. We learned to understand ourselves and each other so much better. We are now more patient and forgiving. Yes, even feelings of love now shine through on most days. We are now comfortable being intimate with each other. I feel Ralph has become my friend and confidant. The kids seem so much more happy and relaxed now. The “D” word never comes to mind. What a relief that is! To think, it only took us about 20 hours of counseling to make such a difference. I shudder to think what might have happened had we not gone for counseling. Now we are just a happy family.

Cooperating with your partner in his or her efforts to accomplish their unique physical, emotional, mental and spiritual goals creates a relationship imbued with peace and harmony. Individual goals certainly must be moral and ethical and not injure anyone. If they meet this simple criteria, it becomes the partner=s privilege to support these goals in every reasonable way even to the point of self-sacrifice.

A selfless attitude brings with it not only peace and harmony but also creates feelings of being loved and cared for in your partner. When you both take a position of tolerance with each other, you will both feel as if you are receiving daily gifts of love. This will then generate affection and friendship.

Tolerance is the magic ingredient for getting along with your partner. You can help your partner behave with tolerance when you have low expectations. If you don’t expect a lot, it is easier for him or her to give you what you need.

Lower your expectations of what you want from your spouse as much as possible. Try to figure out what is the minimum you can live with and still be happy. Be honest with yourself. Don’t pretend to be righteous and say its ok if he gambles away the weekly pay check at the race track or its ok if she socializes with other men. A relationship has certain basic requirements that cannot be compromised (is this the correct word for the meaning?). You can decide that it is ok if he won’t do the homework with the kids or its ok if she doesn’t always want to be intimate. Strive to look the other way or toss out a demand or expectation about your partner. For example, see if you can be happy even if he “won’t wash dishes” or she “spends too much money.”

Demand a little and give a lot. This good will can go a long way to create an atmosphere in the home of genuine peace and harmony.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Realistic expectations are closely linked with acceptance. Acceptance is probably the single greatest factor in predicting marital satisfaction and stability.

There are two parts to “realistic expectations.” First, a couple must be aware of and flexible about the natural changes that occur as the relationship and family go through normal transitions and maturation. It is impossible to think about, feel about, and experience one’s partner the same way during courtship, as the first year of living together, as after 30 years of marriage. Families, like children, go through distinct stages of development. Each stage has its own challenges and goals. Secondly, it is essential to marital happiness that each partner tolerate the other’s peculiarities and idiosyncrasies. “He may never be the best communicator but it is OK,” may be the wife’s attitude. “She may never be well organized and tidy, but I can live with it,” may be the husband’s attitude.

COMMUNICATION: Dialogue about one’s feelings, dreams, fears, and ideas are what builds bridges between people. It is essential that husbands and wives share their inner lives with each other. In order for this to happen, there must be a feeling of safety to support self-disclosure, which comes from respectful and validating communication.

Physical intimacy is also a vital means of physical and emotional communication. Providing mutual pleasure to one’s spouse is very basic and its importance cannot be underestimated.

Research has shown that one negative interaction such as anger or criticism can nullify five to twenty positive interactions. For the most part, daily communication is what makes or breaks a relationship. The challenge is to produce the greatest number of positive interactions to the fewest negative interactions. Scientists observing couples in action have seen how just a few negative comments can spoil an entire day or week.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Being married will at times involve conflict. Two people – two minds – two temperaments. Successful conflict resolution requires three criteria. One, keep the dialogue respectful, no name calling or humiliating etc. Two, keep it contained; the words should only last a few minutes and the feelings an hour or two at most. Three, don’t change topics; stay focused exclusively on the issue at hand, and resist dragging in every perceived failure or imperfection of your partner.

PERSONALITY: It is important that over all you like your partner’s personality. Unless it was a “shotgun wedding,” liking your partner’s personality is probably true for most people. If you didn’t like your partner’s “personality,” why would you marry them? During courtship there was a strong attraction. Even after many years of marriage that attraction it is still there, being either actualized or hidden in potential. Years of misunderstanding and conflict can build enormous resentment within a person, and this accumulated emotion can actually change a person’s perception of their partner, leaving one unable to accurately see what he or she is truthfully like.

RELIGIOUS ORIENTATION: Spiritual and cultural differences place major obstacles between couples. Religious orientation is the context in which the couple builds their lives and their family. Being on a different “wavelength” can undermine many otherwise appropriate and reasonable efforts. It may be compared to trying to build a house on sand.

In the classical Biblical text on proper ethics the question is asked, “which is the right path that a person should choose for himself?” The answer, “that which is honorable to himself/herself and brings honor from other people…” This passage is explaining that it is the middle path that is correct. It is only this way that promotes good personal feelings as well as creating happiness in others.

The above scale, using scientific methodology, presents the middle way to success. It describes the way to relate with one’s spouse that is pleasing to both partners and will lead to a satisfying and healthy relationship. Couples that score high over all, although not perfect, have happy lives together.

The way we describe a particular situation reveals how we think about it. The question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” depicts a dysfunctional way of thinking about a personal or family problem because it precludes a useful answer. That is what makes it a bad question. If a person starts out by thinking that they are perfect and without responsibility, i.e. a “good person,” there is little likelihood that they will search for how their behavior has helped to create a particular problem.

A better way of asking the question is, “Why is this happening to me?” Then you can proceed with all the powers of your concentration, combined with as much humility as you can muster up, to listen to the answer.

If we are honest and listen carefully to those people involved in the particular “problem” situation, we can usually find an explanation for how we contributed, whether in large or small measure, to the present unpleasant circumstance. The key to changing the situation is by knowing our part in it and then changing our behavior in order to then change the situation.

A husband asked his wife why she seemed to always be angry with him. She told him that he frequently treated her harshly and she felt “bulldozed” over.

A father asked his son why he was rude and disobedient. He explained that he was constantly being nagged for every little thing and felt unaccepted for who he was. In order to feel like he was his own person, he had to resist his parents.

A wife asked her husband why he works late every night. He told her that he was frightened by her “moods swings” and was trying to avoid her.

A mother asked her five-year-old daughter why she continually tried to avoid doing homework. The little girl said she felt stupid. Mom asked her what made her feel that way. The girl explained because she was the “slowest” reader in the class.

By asking the right question, you can get the right answer. Then, and only then, can your take the appropriate action.

However, for many people, asking the right question is not as difficult as listening to the answer. Sometimes listening is the most difficult of all interpersonal skills. The primary reason is that we love to make “points,” i.e., express an opinion rather than listening to what other people think and feel. Many people feel entitled to do this without any limitations. However, making a point precludes listening. Making a point is adversarial and competitive and not very conducive to peace and harmony between people. Examples of making a “point” are:

• She said she likes red. He made a point saying, he likes blue.
• He said Mark is a nice guy. She made a point saying, she doesn’t like Mark.

Worse than making points are direct or indirect criticism. For example:

• “Why do you always talk on the phone during dinner time?”
• “I think you are being too lenient with the kids.”
• “Why can’t you get more organized?”
• “I understand politics better than you do.”

When “points” and “criticism” are eliminated from conversations- then honest listening can occur. When “listening” happens, a person is able to access new information and then, if they want, change their attitude or behavior. When the wife hears that her husband stays away from home to avoid her wrath and when the husband hears that his wife is angry because he uses rude language, they both have a new perspective on the situation, which leads to the opportunity to change and dramatically improve the relationship.

Holding back from making a point or having an opinion is very difficult, but it is a necessary prerequisite to listening. The ability to not make a point is a sign of strength, not weakness, as so many people mistakenly think. People who are weak and insecure are constantly trying to convince others they are right. Confident and secure individuals know where they stand and can comfortably listen to others and their opinions. It is important to develop the strength to hold back that initial impulse to make a point, and instead continue to listen. The results will benefit everyone, and some major relationship problems will be easily solved.